I have never understood the fiendishness of being in a state of confusion until I had it a month before Ramadan personally it was terrifying and at the same time jeopardizing.
: to make (someone) uncertain or unable to understand something
: to make (something) difficult to understand
: to mistakenly think that one person or thing is another person or thing
People can be confused in different ways and some cope with it easily but some don’t.
For the last couple of months I have been struggling with myself and sometimes I end up questioning my worth as a person and as a Muslim. Most of the time I feel embarrassed about what I have done to me. I feel too damaged that I do not know how to fix myself or if it is still possible for me to get repaired.
I was facing everyone with a cheerful smile and a laugh that would never make you believe that I was in a state of illusional scotophobia on my own thoughts.
It was hard but I knew that I wasn’t completely ruined it’s just that it was clear to me that there was something wrong going on inside me and it wasn’t an easy-to-solve situation that’s why I made sure that I always have a hold on myself so that I won’t lose my sanity.
It was troublesome but I wasn’t sure on how to resolve it so I let it hung inside me trying to act like it didn’t exist.
Ramadan was fast approaching and as I prepared for it I realized that slowly all of the pains and confusions are vanishing. I realized that all along the problem was the faith I had in Allah. I have been praying but for some reasons I still miss Allah! It was heartbreaking I did not know what to do. I was confused, miserable and distracted.
“All the sons of Adam are sinners, but the best of sinners are those who repent often.”
وَاسْتَعِينُوا بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّلَاةِ
“And seek help in patience and prayer”
It was tough that I have questioned my worth after all the sins that I have done. Astaghfirullah! I have forgotten that Allah was the most gracious and the most merciful!!
I was confused but it was helping me in ways that I cannot imagine. Sometimes, you need to be in the dark to help you seek light and help to appreciate it and love yourself.
Become stronger; Do not stop repenting and never ever underestimate the mercy and love of ALLAH SWT 🙂